When we are emotionally neglected as children our nervous system does the best it can to go into survival mode in an atttempt to protect us ... Since we are completely dependent and vulnerable and unable to “fight or flee” so we go into“freeze” response where we are numb and emotionally shut down in an attempt to not feel our fear and our pain. When no one hears or listens to our “cry” we lose hope as our emotional needs are not noticed or given attention and we feel like we do not exist..Over time our “little child” part gets more frozen and “stuck” and has difficulty moving forward and begins to internalize the emotional neglect and we as adults then begin to neglect ourselves emotionally and due to lack of hope and feelings of helplessness develop a pattern of procrastination and the root is “childhood emotional neglect”.
When we were the most vulnerable and dependent and “emotionally needy(”as we all have been as children )it can feel like a cry deep in our soul when no one hears or seems to care about us. Our mind, will and emotions are what define our soul. For many of us who have been “ traumatically wounded” in childhood: the message we received was that we will not have our emotional reality nurtured or have anyone who can help us to process our emotions in a” healthy” way. You may be becoming more and more aware and of the consequences that are affecting your self-esteem and your relationships as the“little boy or girl part” got stuck in a pattern of “emotional neediness” that needs to be healed so you can move on with hope and start to. understand what is going on inside of you emotionally physically: and spiritually. You may have stuffed your emotions and are now becoming more aware of the consequences related to your childhood trauma.
The way that we learn to connect with others in our relationships is called “attachment style” .Our parents and caregivers play a crucial role i the style of “attachment'‘ we develop.. When as children those adults who are closest are unable to nurture us and be responsive to our needs then in order to survive we often “shut down” emotionally. An“avoidant attachment style” develops as a survival response to fear,, anxiety and feelings of rejection and abandonment.as there is a lack of a secure connection and trust.
Doormats are exploited and dumped on. Doormats are used and often abused. Doormats do not have a voice. Before you can stop being a doormat it is essential that you actually begin to identify and see what the qualities of a doormat are. You may have been well-trained since early childhood to stuff your feelings and your voice and to be a “people pleaser”. and now you feeling depleted and believe the lie that you are powerless.
Childhood sexual abuse creates a deep wound in the soul. As a child you are vulnerable and dependent on adults that are supposed to be there to love and protect you but have failed you. Most childhood sexual abuse happens in families and the perpetrator is often someone you trusted and yet they were not worthy of your trust. And though there were many signs when you were being abused that “something was wrong” no one even noticed. Not being noticed caused even more confusion and pain about your own value as no one heard your “cry” but that “cry” is still inside although muffled over time.
Bilingual Relationship Therapy
Well you probably know by now that the way your parents raised you has effected who you are now and your parenting style also reflects this. The wonderful thing is no matter how wonderful or difficult your childhood was you can bring to the table your unique style as well as understanding what your child truly needs and wants from you in order for you to nurture with wisdom and heart. There are 3 essential elements of healthy parenting that will greatly bless both you and your child.
Relationships can be complicated as every place that we are not healed goes with us into our relationships. So basically, all relationships can be triggers. Relationships can provide fertile ground to help you to become more self-aware. As a result of this process, you can learn to identify where you have been wounded and have not healed. Healthy relationships provide the soil to plant seeds of healing and unhealthy ones plant seeds that “reinjure’. Our unconscious can be like a radar which attracts to what is “familiar” however if you came from a family that was dysfunctional then what is familiar can be unhealthy and toxic and yet you may struggle to be able to see and acknowledge this.
Do you feel and believe that you are :unlovable”? Do you fear rejection and abandonment and have built a wall around your heart in an attempt to “protect yourself”? Do you have a history of unstable relationships? Do you have a pattern of shutting down and avoiding what is going on inside of you? Do you have difficulty addressing conflict and either stuff your feelings or explode? Do your trust and self esteem issues stem from childhood trauma?
Do you feel that you are walking on eggs in relationships? Are you fearful of abandonment? Constantly trying to please others or read their unspoken messages? Are you afraid to assert yourself? Do you base your self esteem on how others see you or how you perceive that they see you? Do you have difficulties setting boundaries and limits and often are intruded on by others? Do you fear disappointing people? Were you raised in a family where your boundaries were consistently violated and your voice was shut down? Do you feel helpless at times and filled with guilt and shame? All of the above can be effects of enmeshment and are blocks to forming healthy “fully alive relationships” ..but there is help, hope and healing on the way!
THIS CERTAINLY HAS BEEN A CHALLENGING TIME FOR EVERYONE AS THE PANDEMIC HAS CHANGED SO MANY THINGS AROUND. FRIENDSHIPS ARE NOW MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER BUT IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT THEY ARE ‘HEALTHY AND NOT TOXIC’’. YOU MAY HAVE COUNTED ON PEOLPLE TO BE THERE FOR YOU WHO NEVER ‘SHOWED UP’ AS THE FRIEND YOU HAD THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE..SOUNDS LIKE A G0OD TIME TO RE-EVALUATE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS!
Being able to “value yourself” is so essential as how you feel about yourself will effect your relationships and every area of your life. You may have grown up in a home where positive words, and encouragement, affection, were rarely or never part of your life and now you struggle with having a loving and healthy connection with yourself and others
If you are longing to have a truly intimate connection with another person then there are three important areas that are vital to form the foundation . If these areas are avoided then the door to disconnection rather than intimacy will be opened and can have a foothold in your relationship as the relationship will be continually on rocky ground..
