When we are emotionally neglected as children our nervous system does the best it can to go into survival mode in an atttempt to protect us ... Since we are completely dependent and vulnerable and unable to “fight or flee” so we go into“freeze” response where we are numb and emotionally shut down in an attempt to not feel our fear and our pain. When no one hears or listens to our “cry” we lose hope as our emotional needs are not noticed or given attention and we feel like we do not exist..Over time our “little child” part gets more frozen and “stuck” and has difficulty moving forward and begins to internalize the emotional neglect and we as adults then begin to neglect ourselves emotionally and due to lack of hope and feelings of helplessness develop a pattern of procrastination and the root is “childhood emotional neglect”.
When we were the most vulnerable and dependent and “emotionally needy(”as we all have been as children )it can feel like a cry deep in our soul when no one hears or seems to care about us. Our mind, will and emotions are what define our soul. For many of us who have been “ traumatically wounded” in childhood: the message we received was that we will not have our emotional reality nurtured or have anyone who can help us to process our emotions in a” healthy” way. You may be becoming more and more aware and of the consequences that are affecting your self-esteem and your relationships as the“little boy or girl part” got stuck in a pattern of “emotional neediness” that needs to be healed so you can move on with hope and start to. understand what is going on inside of you emotionally physically: and spiritually. You may have stuffed your emotions and are now becoming more aware of the consequences related to your childhood trauma.
The way that we learn to connect with others in our relationships is called “attachment style” .Our parents and caregivers play a crucial role i the style of “attachment'‘ we develop.. When as children those adults who are closest are unable to nurture us and be responsive to our needs then in order to survive we often “shut down” emotionally. An“avoidant attachment style” develops as a survival response to fear,, anxiety and feelings of rejection and abandonment.as there is a lack of a secure connection and trust.
Doormats are exploited and dumped on. Doormats are used and often abused. Doormats do not have a voice. Before you can stop being a doormat it is essential that you actually begin to identify and see what the qualities of a doormat are. You may have been well-trained since early childhood to stuff your feelings and your voice and to be a “people pleaser”. and now you feeling depleted and believe the lie that you are powerless.
Childhood sexual abuse creates a deep wound in the soul. As a child you are vulnerable and dependent on adults that are supposed to be there to love and protect you but have failed you. Most childhood sexual abuse happens in families and the perpetrator is often someone you trusted and yet they were not worthy of your trust. And though there were many signs when you were being abused that “something was wrong” no one even noticed. Not being noticed caused even more confusion and pain about your own value as no one heard your “cry” but that “cry” is still inside although muffled over time.
Bilingual Relationship Therapy
Who we choose to be in a relationship with gives us a lot of information about what is happening inside us. You may be discouraged as your relationship progresses and wonder how you missed some of the red flags you now see but do not blame and shame yourself but use this as an opportunity to get the help you need so you can heal from the inside-out!!
When we are in a relationship where we feel alone rather than connected, many thoughts and feelings can come to the surface..You may be feeling even more alone in your relationship and better when you are alone. Yet you hope to feel good together but it is not happening and you do not know what to do. We all feel alone in relationships at times . Important to notice is this a season in your relationship or a pattern that has developed over time? Either way, there is alot you can do to start to feel more connected.
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When we were the most vulnerable and dependent and “emotionally needy(”as we all have been as children )it can feel like a cry deep in our soul when no one hears or seems to care about us. Our mind, will and emotions are what define our soul. For many of us who have been “ traumatically wounded” in childhood: the message we received was that we will not have our emotional reality nurtured or have anyone who can help us to process our emotions in a” healthy” way. You may be becoming more and more aware and of the consequences that are affecting your self-esteem and your relationships as the“little boy or girl part” got stuck in a pattern of “emotional neediness” that needs to be healed so you can move on with hope and start to. understand what is going on inside of you emotionally physically: and spiritually. You may have stuffed your emotions and are now becoming more aware of the consequences related to your childhood trauma.
A painful breakup truly is “Relational Trauma” .You feel overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions and they may change minute to minute or day to day. Important to remember that healing is a process and you are “going through the fire and coming out gold”. It is essential as you grieve that you also increase your level of self-care and that includes slowing down so you can give yourself the attention you so desperately need as you go through this very painful season of your life. Important not to make any important decisions during this time or to start a “new” relationship in an attempt to not feel your pain. This would not be wise as you need time to rest and recover so that you can learn whatever is needed for you to learn about yourself and your “true” value and that your wounds of the past do not control your future…this will take time and patience so that those wounds can heal and not run your life
To have a healthy relationship it is essential to have empathy. If you were raised in a family where your feelings were neglected or criticized, or shamed then it becomes difficult to have empathy for others.. To keep our hearts open it is necessary to have self-compassion. As without self-compassion as a foundation for empathy, there is a disconnection from self and others. Lack of empathy in relationships is the fuel for disconnection. To truly “show up” it is important to be able to see and hear past the words and behavior but with a capacity to feel and understand what the other is experiencing.
Enmeshed relationships are relationships that are overly close and lack boundaries and fueled by manipulation and control.:one person is there to satisfy the needs of the other and the other person’s needs are completely ignored .... The relationship is also fueled by inappropriate guilt and forced obligataion. Helicopter parenting often is the precursor of enmeshment and is directly correlated with anxiety and depression in chiildren and as they grow into adulthood.Helicopter parents who overly supervise and are mainly concerned about behavior and not the emotional needs of their child. often are planting the seeds of enmeshment to harvest.. Enmeshed relationships during childhood do not allow for healthy developmental progress to take place and children are set up for developmental trauma as an effect .Often this dysfunctional pattern which started in childhood is repeated in adult relationships as it is familiar and what is familiar is what the brain repeats until we lern new and healthier ways to relate to ourselves and others.
You have probably noticed by now that every place where you are not healed shows up in your relationships. So every place where you are wounded can become even more“up front and personal” when you become a parent. There are no perfect parents or perfect children but even if you were not securely attached and have issues related to that: you can still learn how to raise your child to be securely attached. During this process, there can be a parallel process of healing that takes place for you as well! So hold on and be encouraged as help is on the way so you can give a life-affirming relationship foundation to your child and both of you will be blessed!
The way that we learn to connect with others in our relationships is called “attachment style” .Our parents and caregivers play a crucial role i the style of “attachment'‘ we develop.. When as children those adults who are closest are unable to nurture us and be responsive to our needs then in order to survive we often “shut down” emotionally. An“avoidant attachment style” develops as a survival response to fear,, anxiety and feelings of rejection and abandonment.as there is a lack of a secure connection and trust.
Before we can speak the truth in love to another we must first master being able to speak the truth in love to ourselves. And yes that means for us to be accountable rather than explain or excuse our part. and to develop the self-awareness that will make this possible.. The words we speak and how we speak to ourselves and others are seeds and to have a healthy harvest we must plant healthy loving truthful seeds.
Conflicts are part of every relationship. The problem is that you may have never experienced or learned how to resolve conflict in a “healthy connected” way. You may put up a wall of stone or your style maybe is to avoid and not address conflicts and are now noticing that the conflicts we do not address but avoid can run our lives.It is not too late to learn the 3 essential elements of resolving conflict! Know that places where you are not healed go with you in yuor relationships!
