Trauma bonds can be extremely challenging to navigate as this bonding touches our deepest wounds. The intertwining between love and fear that began when we had no defenses to protect ourselves needs time and attention to heal. As we connect the dots and give and receive the attention and care we need: we are beginning the healing process to move into freedom and come out of bondage!
When we are emotionally neglected as children our nervous system does the best it can to go into survival mode in an atttempt to protect us ... Since we are completely dependent and vulnerable and unable to “fight or flee” so we go into“freeze” response where we are numb and emotionally shut down in an attempt to not feel our fear and our pain. When no one hears or listens to our “cry” we lose hope as our emotional needs are not noticed or given attention and we feel like we do not exist..Over time our “little child” part gets more frozen and “stuck” and has difficulty moving forward and begins to internalize the emotional neglect and we as adults then begin to neglect ourselves emotionally and due to lack of hope and feelings of helplessness develop a pattern of procrastination and the root is “childhood emotional neglect”.
When we were the most vulnerable and dependent and “emotionally needy(”as we all have been as children )it can feel like a cry deep in our soul when no one hears or seems to care about us. Our mind, will and emotions are what define our soul. For many of us who have been “ traumatically wounded” in childhood: the message we received was that we will not have our emotional reality nurtured or have anyone who can help us to process our emotions in a” healthy” way. You may be becoming more and more aware and of the consequences that are affecting your self-esteem and your relationships as the“little boy or girl part” got stuck in a pattern of “emotional neediness” that needs to be healed so you can move on with hope and start to. understand what is going on inside of you emotionally physically: and spiritually. You may have stuffed your emotions and are now becoming more aware of the consequences related to your childhood trauma.
The way that we learn to connect with others in our relationships is called “attachment style” .Our parents and caregivers play a crucial role i the style of “attachment'‘ we develop.. When as children those adults who are closest are unable to nurture us and be responsive to our needs then in order to survive we often “shut down” emotionally. An“avoidant attachment style” develops as a survival response to fear,, anxiety and feelings of rejection and abandonment.as there is a lack of a secure connection and trust.
Doormats are exploited and dumped on. Doormats are used and often abused. Doormats do not have a voice. Before you can stop being a doormat it is essential that you actually begin to identify and see what the qualities of a doormat are. You may have been well-trained since early childhood to stuff your feelings and your voice and to be a “people pleaser”. and now you feeling depleted and believe the lie that you are powerless.but you are not!!
Trauma bonds can be extremely challenging to navigate as this bonding touches our deepest wounds. The intertwining between love and fear that began when we had no defenses to protect ourselves needs time and attention to heal. As we connect the dots and give and receive the attention and care we need: we are beginning the healing process to move into freedom and come out of bondage!
When we have internalized shame we have a part of us that feels that we have no value and that part can become a harsh “inner critic” as we grow and develop.. Our negative beliefs about ourselves and painful emotions that we have not been able to process are then stored in our bodies. This is how our minds and bodies are created to respond to our having experienced childhood abuse, neglect, abandonment, and insecure attachment with those who were in the position to protect nurture, and love us but were not able to.
Being able to choose "safe" people is one of the most important choices you can ever make. When we surround ourselves with "unsafe" people there are many consequences. And the patterns can be familiar from your childhood and relationships with your caregivers.. The "unsafe" choices that we make reflect how we feel about ourselves and reveal how our wounded parts need to be addressed so that we can begin the healing process and have connected authentic relationships that are safe.
Who we choose to be in a relationship with gives us a lot of information about what is happening inside us. You may be discouraged as your relationship progresses and wonder how you missed some of the red flags you now see but do not blame and shame yourself but use this as an opportunity to get the help you need so you can heal from the inside-out!!
When we are in a relationship where we feel alone rather than connected, many thoughts and feelings can come to the surface..You may be feeling even more alone in your relationship and better when you are alone. Yet you hope to feel good together but it is not happening and you do not know what to do. We all feel alone in relationships at times . Important to notice is this a season in your relationship or a pattern that has developed over time? Either way, there is alot you can do to start to feel more connected.
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You may be struggling in your relationships and feeling more lonely and disconnected then when you were alone. When we are in relationships where “emotional attunement” is not present all the places where we have been wounded seem to come up and are “trigggers”.. Yes, it is painful but please know it is also a great opportunity to heal the wounds of the past that now are festering and running your life. You may not know what it feels like to be seen, noticed, heard and known and we all long for that You can feel “something is missing”. as . feeling even more deeply alone is extremely familiar in your relationships.. “Emotional attunement’ is the healing balm for attachment wounds. People pleasing will no longer fuel your relationships when “emotional attunement” takes front seat and you begin your journey of healing from the inside out!!
When we are emotionally neglected as children our nervous system does the best it can to go into survival mode in an atttempt to protect us ... Since we are completely dependent and vulnerable and unable to “fight or flee” so we go into“freeze” response where we are numb and emotionally shut down in an attempt to not feel our fear and our pain. When no one hears or listens to our “cry” we lose hope as our emotional needs are not noticed or given attention and we feel like we do not exist..Over time our “little child” part gets more frozen and “stuck” and has difficulty moving forward and begins to internalize the emotional neglect and we as adults then begin to neglect ourselves emotionally and due to lack of hope and feelings of helplessness develop a pattern of procrastination and the root is “childhood emotional neglect”.
When we were the most vulnerable and dependent and “emotionally needy(”as we all have been as children )it can feel like a cry deep in our soul when no one hears or seems to care about us. Our mind, will and emotions are what define our soul. For many of us who have been “ traumatically wounded” in childhood: the message we received was that we will not have our emotional reality nurtured or have anyone who can help us to process our emotions in a” healthy” way. You may be becoming more and more aware and of the consequences that are affecting your self-esteem and your relationships as the“little boy or girl part” got stuck in a pattern of “emotional neediness” that needs to be healed so you can move on with hope and start to. understand what is going on inside of you emotionally physically: and spiritually. You may have stuffed your emotions and are now becoming more aware of the consequences related to your childhood trauma.
If you are in a tumultuous, volatile and unstable relationship where you have made “peace with powerlessness” and your self-esteem is plummeting. yet, you are “stuck” and feel unable to move.: This is a counterfeit of the love you seek and is a “Trauma Bond”.. Those who have been traumatized during childhood frequently seek out what feels “familiar” in an attempt to heal even though “familiar” is what has been toxic. There is a clear imbalance of power in “Trauma Bonded” relationships as the glue holding the relationship together is fueled by early childhood wounds that are often unconscious. .You may feel that you cannot leave this relationship in the same way drug addicts struggle to begin to detox and recover from a drug that is “killing”. them. But hold on as there is hope for you to get set free!
A painful breakup truly is “Relational Trauma” .You feel overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions and they may change minute to minute or day to day. Important to remember that healing is a process and you are “going through the fire and coming out gold”. It is essential as you grieve that you also increase your level of self-care and that includes slowing down so you can give yourself the attention you so desperately need as you go through this very painful season of your life. Important not to make any important decisions during this time or to start a “new” relationship in an attempt to not feel your pain. This would not be wise as you need time to rest and recover so that you can learn whatever is needed for you to learn about yourself and your “true” value and that your wounds of the past do not control your future…this will take time and patience so that those wounds can heal and not run your life
