So often what I have seen in my practice are moms and dads that truly want what is “best” for their children but are so wounded themselves from hurts of the past that they are often “blind” to the emotional needs of their children and how to “model” by “example” healthy ways of addressing conflict, being able to control frustration and how to manage stress, responding not reacting, staying emotionally connected but not “enmeshed", having angry feelings but not “becoming those feelings”. Every relationship is a “trigger” and being a parent is a great opportunity for you to become more aware of where you have been wounded and need healing and “not to pass it on to your child”

1. STAYING CALM AND ASSERTIVE

You have a wonderful opportunity to help your child with stress and low frustration tolerance by modeling by example how to regulate stress and frustration. If you are easily frustrated and impatient then you will be teaching your child to not develop tools to manage frustration but instead for your child’s frustration tolerance to increase. Decreased frustration tolerance is correlated with impulsivity, anxiety, depression, and lack of self-control..You may have been raised in a family of “undisciplined disciplinarians that never modeled or communicated or nurtured your capacity to cope with stress and frustration and now you are seeing that reflected in your child. Staying calm does not mean that you do not set boundaries and limits as staying assertive is also essential. Staying calm will help your child to process frustration rather than be overtaken by it and being assertive will also foster your child feeling secure and safe. Keep in mind there are no perfect parents and you are also a work in progress just as your child is!.

2. HUMAN BEING VS HUMAN DOING

So important o know and to remember there is a difference between a “human being” and a “human doing”. All healthy relationships have a foundation in “being” and not “doing. God created us as “human beings” and our humanness is a great gift as it allows us to be who we were meant to be. You may be achievement /performance oriented and of course, you want your child to do their best, however, you may be a “hindrance’ to what really matters in the long run. If you are mainly “performance-oriented” then your child gets the message that he/she is loved for what they do or what they achieve and this is a red flag. It is time to notice the consequences of this as focusing on the outside rather than what is going on inside can keep both you and your child stuck in disconnection from yourself and others.. No one wants to be loved for what they do but for who we are. Loving your child unconditionally means that your child will know that even if they stop doing what they are doing that you will still love and value them as value does not come from” doing”. Important for children to understand at a young age what really matters and it is not making lots of money(though nothing wrong with that) or having alot of degrees and awards for education(though nothing wrong with that) but that is not what makes a person valuable.

3.LIGHTEN UP

I have worked with parents and children for many years and one common thread I have seen repeated by some of the most loving parents is how the pressure that they put on themselves gets projected onto their children as their “intensity” has had negative effects. By the time the children get to me they are often, anxious,angry, have low frustration tolerance, and power struggles with parent or parents and has internalized shame and anger. As i work with parents and they learn how to let go of the pressure they put on themselves(often from their own childhood wounding by their parents) then both parent and child begin to come alive and connect and thrive!

THERAPY CAN REALLY HELP BOTH YOU AND YOUR CHILD TO THRIVE

I have been working with parents and children for many years and seen so many wonderful outcomes! If you are struggling with a parent.child relationship then give me a call!